The First Cut is the Deepest

“I’m always the one who loves more, that’s my problem.”

I recently broke up with a guy and I found listening to Ciara’s I Bet. It got me thinking about my past relationships. I realised that I’ve definitely been the one to love more.

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My first failed relationship started with my childhood sweetheart. I fell in love the day I first laid eyes on him. He was the new bad boy to move into the area where my gran stays. Every holiday I made sure I was at my gran’s just so that I could see him. I never had the courage to talk to him, I just stared at him at a distance. A few years later, he asked me out, I was over the moon. In fact, I can’t describe that feeling. My first love. Things were great for the first few years. I made sure his birthday’s were special, which happened to be the same day as Valentine’s Day. Every occasion was special. I was there financially and emotionally. I showed up for him.

However, he never reciprocated that kind of effort for me, but he always said the right things though. I was young and naive. So I just thought his bad boy reputation didn’t allow him to show affection. Boy, I was wrong. I was about to see flames.

He started withdrawing, I don’t even know when, how, or why. He’d go days, or even weeks, not talking to me. Again, I was young and naive. I started showing extra love, because I thought I was doing this relationship thing wrong. Nothing worked. This is when I should have called things off but silly me was deep in love.

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Later, I found out that he was cheating. I met up with him and asked him calmly if he was cheating. I didn’t want to be those girls wildin’, throwing accusations without proof. His response was “pho, kunani?” (so what?). That response shattered my entire world. I stared at him dumbfounded, my mind spinning out of control. He was so nonchalant about everything. I don’t know how I managed to walk away without crying. The moment I was alone, I cried like there was no tomorrow. The guy I had loved for nearly eight years (dated for four of these eight years), was cheating on me and didn’t give a damn. I was shook. It was like there was a big sign that said “WELCOME TO REALITY”.

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It took me months to recover but my self-esteem was never the same again. I still did this relationship thing wrong by always going the extra mile even when I saw the signs. I was hoping each time, that this time would be different. I was still hoping that the guy that I was in the relationship with, would appreciate and reciprocate the efforts. It never turned out that way. Kanti, where am I finding these guys? My self-esteem plummeted. I started believing I wasn’t good enough because of the way these guys acted. Well I just broke up with this guy, and guess what? I was still the one to always love more.

I’ve been working on my self-esteem but hey, I’ve yet to meet the one. The one will appreciate and reciprocate. The one who will love more, if not, equally. Until then, I think I need to take a break until I get this relationship thing right🙂. Heartbreak is real, and painful too man.

“Yeah, right now, it’s killing me ’cause now I have to find someone else when all I wanted was you” – Ciara | I Bet

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Author: sildgetsays

I'm a young black South African woman who is trying to navigate through life, through my blogs.

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